Living as My Child's Frontal Lobe: An ADHD Parent's Story

Research shows that the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control and managing emotions, develops much slower in children with ADHD and often is actually smaller in an ADHD brain than in the brain of a neurotypical child.

Parenting is a tricky job for anyone, but when you're raising a child with ADHD, it feels like you're not just a parent but also a substitute for their frontal lobe, ready to step in at any moment to stop them getting into scrapes and help them cope with the consequences when they inevitably do. It's a role that's exhausting, constant, and often downright overwhelming.

The Daily Struggle

Imagine this: you wake up every morning knowing that your day will be filled with reminders, redirections, and sometimes, outright battles. Your child forgets things almost as soon as you say them, acts impulsively, and often speaks or acts without thinking of the consequences. It's not their fault; it's how their brain works.

Did you know that the majority of research indicates that children diagnosed with ADHD have a higher rate of accidental injuries than children without ADHD, with ADHD kids being nearly twice as likely to injure themselves?

You start your day by helping your child get ready, ensuring they've brushed their teeth, done their hair and making sure their bag has everything they need for school. A simple checklist, right? Not for a child with ADHD. If you leave them to their own devices, half of these tasks won't get done (and often several more problematic things may happen instead). So, you’re there, supervising, checking and rechecking, making sure you’re not forgetting anything.

Throughout the day, you might get calls or messages from school about forgotten homework, missed assignments, or behavioral issues. I can’t remember the number of times I’ve been pulled aside at pick up to be told my child has had a “bad day”; they’ve been calling out, not listening, not sitting still, or playing too roughly with others. Not to mention the incident forms I have to fill in when they’ve fallen over, bumped into another child, fallen out of a tree that they shouldn’t have been climbing. I could wallpaper my entire downstairs with those.

When your child is home, it's more of the same—constant reminders to do their chores, finish their homework, and even to take breaks and rest. Without these nudges, things just don't get done.

Every outing, every social interaction, requires your full attention. At the park, you have to be vigilant because your child might suddenly decide to climb a too-high tree or run off without warning. During playdates, you need to step in more often than other parents to help your child navigate social cues and conflicts.

The Emotional Toll

It's not just the logistics; it's the emotional labor too. children often struggle with frustration, low self-esteem, and the aftermath of impulsive actions. We as parents have to be their emotional anchor, helping them navigate these intense feelings and teaching them coping strategies, as well as constantly fighting their corner and trying to explain to other parents and school staff that our children aren’t “naughty” or “rude”, they just lack inhibition. This emotional work is draining, and there are days when you likely feel like you have nothing left to give.

Finding Balance

Balancing your own needs with your child's can feel impossible. Self-care is crucial, but it often feels like a luxury you can't afford. Remind yourself to take small breaks, to ask for help from friends and family and to find moments of joy in the chaos. Celebrating small victories, like a day with fewer reminders or a successful social interaction, will help keep you going.

Support Systems

Try to connect with other parents of children with ADHD. Sharing experiences, tips, and just knowing that someone else truly understands what you're going through can make a world of difference. It's a reminder that we're not alone in this journey.

Conclusion

Being the frontal lobe for your child with ADHD is a demanding, relentless job. It's a role that requires patience, love, and resilience. While it's exhausting and often thankless, it's also incredibly important. We are helping our children navigate a world that isn't designed for their unique brains, and in doing so, we are teaching them the skills they need to thrive.

So to all the parents out there playing the role of the frontal lobe—you're doing an amazing job. It's okay to feel tired and overwhelmed. Remember to take care of yourself, seek support, and celebrate the small wins. We're in this together.