ADHD: A message to the nay-sayers...

I’m writing to you today not just as a parent, but as someone who’s walked a mile or two in shoes that, trust me, you wouldn’t want to wear. I’m talking about raising a child with ADHD. Now, I know there are some of you out there who think ADHD is just an excuse for naughty behavior or a result of poor parenting; those who think children are being lazy or just not doing as they are told; those who think children are just high on sugar or hyper from too much screen time; even those who argue that surely “we are all a bit ADHD” and children just need to take more responsibility for their actions. But hear me out. This is real, and it's about time we had a heart-to-heart about it.

ADHD is not just Being "Hyper". 

First off, let’s get one thing straight: ADHD is not just about being hyperactive or unable to sit still. Sure, that’s part of it for some kids. But it's so much deeper than that. It's forgetting simple instructions seconds after hearing them, struggling to focus on a single task without being distracted by every little sound or movement, and experiencing emotions so intensely that a minor setback feels like the end of the world.

Sure, everybody sometimes has problems with drifting off or zoning out while listening to someone talking or reading something. Sometimes we all misplace our phone, keys, wallet and we do not know where we put them. We may leave less-preferred tasks to the last minute, or maybe sometimes we say inappropriate things impulsively. So can’t we say we all have “a bit of ADHD?”

Well, no. 

For children with ADHD, these problems are experienced ALL THE TIME and to such an extent that they have a significant impact on daily life and life would be significantly better if these symptoms did not exist. It is not a choice for these kids, they can’t control it. And it is EVERY DAY. 

Still skeptical? Well this isn’t just me talking. Science has our backs. 

The science bit. 

ADHD is one of the most studied conditions in children and the verdict is clear: it's a brain-based, biological disorder. Brain imaging studies have shown differences in the development of certain brain areas in kids with ADHD compared to those without. It’s not a matter of discipline or more stringent parenting; it's about neurology. Yes, poor diet and too much screen time definitely won’t help, but they are not the cause (and sometimes a sweet treat and some screen time can offer us parents some desperately-needed respite!). 

ADHD was the first disorder found to be the result of a deficiency of a specific neurotransmitter — in this case, norepinephrine — and the first disorder found to respond to medications to correct this underlying deficiency.

ADHD seems to involve impaired neurotransmitter activity in any of the four functional regions of the brain:

Frontal cortex. This region orchestrates high-level functioning: maintaining attention, organization, and executive function. A deficiency of norepinephrine within this brain region might cause inattention, problems with organization, and/or impaired executive functioning.

Limbic system. This region, located deeper in the brain, regulates our emotions. A deficiency in this region might result in restlessness, inattention, or emotional volatility.

Basal ganglia. These neural circuits regulate communication within the brain. Information from all regions of the brain enters the basal ganglia, and is then relayed to the correct sites in the brain. A deficiency in the basal ganglia can cause information to “short-circuit,” resulting in inattention or impulsivity.

Reticular activating system. This is the major relay system among the many pathways that enter and leave the brain. A deficiency in the RAS can cause inattention, impulsivity, or hyperactivity.

Despite a significant rise in the number of children and adults getting an ADHD diagnosis, the prevalence of ADHD is not really significantly higher than it ever has been, despite so many people saying or thinking otherwise. It is just that the research and understanding of ADHD and ADD is so much better, more people have access to healthcare and the stigma surrounding mental health conditions and treatment is becoming more accepted. 

The realities of living with ADHD.

Imagine having to remind your child 5 or 6 times to do something as simple as putting on both socks every morning, or dealing with meltdowns over what seems like nothing. A simple task such as going for lunch or to the cinema can be highly stressful if your kids can’t sit still or really struggle to wait for their food to come or for the film to start. This becomes all the more tricky if you’re with people who don’t understand, who make you feel judged for not being able to keep your kids under control or who berate your kids for not behaving as they “should”. School becomes a battlefield, not just for the kids, but for us parents too. We're constantly advocating for our children, trying to get them the help they need, and explaining over and over again to teachers, friends, and family that this isn't about our child not wanting to behave. It's about them not being able to, despite their best efforts. And then there's the guilt. So much guilt. Wondering if there’s more we could have done or if somehow, we’re at fault. It's exhausting, isolating, and frankly, heart-breaking to watch your child struggle with something they can't control and to know others are judging them (and you) for it.

A Little Compassion Goes a Long Way.

So, what am I asking from you nay-sayers? It’s simple, really. Compassion. Understanding. The next time you see a child having a meltdown in a shop or hear about someone's kid having trouble in school, don’t jump to judgment. The world is hard enough for these kids and their families. A little kindness can make a big difference. Remember, acknowledging ADHD doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior; it means understanding the struggle behind the behavior and supporting efforts to overcome it. We’re all doing our best with the hand we’ve been dealt. Let's try to make sure we’re playing this game together, with empathy and support, rather than making it harder for those who are already facing uphill battles. Let’s change our expectations and reduce the pressure we put on these kids, stop trying to make them conform to society’s idea of what a child “should” be and “should” be able to do. Let's open our hearts a bit more. Believe me, a little understanding and compassion can light up some of the darkest moments for families like mine.

And for those pessimists and doom-sayers out there, don’t feel too sorry for our kids. As long as we give them the support they need, ADHD doesn’t need to be a limitation. People with ADHD are often super creative, imaginative, tenacious and empathetic, with an abundance of energy and a great sense of humour. Different doesn’t need to be bad. We need people who think differently and who offer something different, to bring innovation and creativity to the world. After all, Some of our best innovators and creators have/had ADHD - Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, Beethoven and Richard Branson to name a few.

In the words of Dr Seuss, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”

Thanks for listening, 

A Parent in the Trenches